Stuck between rocks and hard places- How to climb ladders

I thought it was just another invitation to chase the sunrise and catch a beautiful view, or two. Because I consider Saturday my only only day of rest, free from the hum drum of routine, sometimes I sleep in, and other times I step out and about doing fun stuff. When I do give up my treasured Saturday, it is for a worthy cause.

This last Saturday was no different. I heard "Hiking" and I thought why not! No questions asked. I'd been craving the long drive to detangle my thoughts for a while. When I learnt that the venue of the hike was 87 km from home, I thought "Jackpot!". Nothing like the open road, catching the orange rays break free in the horizon, a beautiful playlist and thoughts that have an intro and a conclusion. In my head the day was already full of promise. All wonderful things and off I went. 

The hour and fifteen minute drive did not disappoint. Given the time of day, the road was quiet and open. It was easy to get lost in my imagination. It was truly beautiful to be out of bed, catching the chilly breeze and the crispy fresh air. In that moment I gave thanks to God. I realised that the rhythm of life carried on. On days like these, when I was fully aware and actively part of it, and on the days I decide to stay in bed and read. Life carries on. The sun rises and sets again. Nature puts up a show whether there is an audience to clap or not. 

An hour and fifteen minutes later, I arrived at my destination and when the team was complete, off went on the trail. I learnt we were to do 18 kilometers and not 13. I thought to myself how hard could that be. I had plans to meet up with friends later for brunch. I imagined this new information meant' I would need to move and hour or two around my afternoon plans. What I did not fathom, however, is that. We were literally going to climb that enormous mountain. It was simply unimaginable! Why would anyone want to do that? Was that even a thing to climb a mountain that was not the Drakensburg nor the Kilimanjaro! There were ladders and it was a thing! 

3 km into the hike it became very clear that this would not be an easy mission. The jovial and eager mood was soon replaced by contemplative silence, the ryhtm of our steps and we pushed forward not knowing what lies ahead. One of us would ccassionaly slip on a smaller rock and trigger a small avalanche of rocks to go tumbling down away from the trail. Panting and sweating, we pushed forward. I wondered if 3 km took us almost 3 hours, what did 18 km look like. It became clear to me that, my other plans for day would have to wait.  I was in way over my head but I am not a quitter.   

Or am I? I would be lying if I did not admit that if there was an easy straight forward way out of that hike, I would have taken it. I would be the biggest liar, if I did not admit that the sight of the ladder patched against the steep mountain almost brought me to tears. I admitted at this point that this hike was just to hard and seeing that I had no choice but to see it to the end, I would do it for a good cause. I decided at this point that I would push back the tears and make this count. I would do it afraid. I decided that on the other side of this mountain I will never chicken out of anything that counts to me. If it matters, I would do it. When I don't know how to it, I will figure out a way. I am frustrated, I will calm down and make room for courage to take over. I will do it and I will do it afraid. 

Needless to say, I did afraid. I made it to the top and boy, was the view stunning? Forget the sense of accomplishment and the hope that maybe it could not get worse than this. The truth is we had no idea how mush longer we still had to go and what obstacles lay ahead but in this moment it matters that we overcame this hurdle. 

Our adventure came to an eventful end after 7 harrowing hours characterised by getting lost and tracking the vehicle path. What matters is, we made it down and we were safe. We survived. We acquired life lessons that will be ingrained in our souls forever. I for one, know experience a new level bravery and perspective in my approach to life's challenges. 

I took away from this experience the following 10 lessons:

1. Step out of your comfort zone and see the bright side.

2. Go with the flow.

3. It's ok to make changes along the way.

4. The journey matters as much as the destination.

5. Admit when you are afraid.

6. There's a reason to forge ahead that is bigger than your fear.

7. Do it afraid.

8. Take courage from those who are ahead of you

9. Find answers as you go

10. Keep moving, no matter what!

Wilting flowers of Father’s Day Spring to life.

This past Sunday, being father’s day was a rather peculiar day. I decided I was going to be at a grateful place. I, however, could not have anticipated my parental responsibilities to a daughter who has no idea how to navigate this complex path; I chose not to go down. Rightfully so, because I did not teach her what I have taught myself about such days. The source of my agony is different to hers:

My father died before I was born.

My father did not choose to leave me.

My father is not wondering around some place pretending I do not exist.

I have full control of the narrative that I create regarding my father:

·         I choose to believe he looked forward to meeting me,

·         He would be responsible and emotionally available

·         He would love me.

·         He would protect me

·         He would provide for me.

However, would he? Do I know that he would? Even though I do not know this with certainty, my father’s departure got me well acquainted with abandonment; recognizing its effect on my life and living with it.  I chose not to go down that thorny road because I know it all too well. I have been there, done that and I now chose to come back to myself.  I have learnt that there is nothing down that road for me. I however have decided that, instead of entertaining the thorns, I will plant flowers. You see, I have never met my father and as such; I get to ravage through scraps of other people’s memories, stories I have heard of him and the words in his letters and create the story of Khomotso’s father. This story; is however, decorated by the main story of Khomotso’s life as authored by the Almighty Father. The more I grow, and recognize my purpose and mission in this world, the more I recognize that it is my life featuring the fleeting scene of my father’s passing because in the grand scheme of my life story, it is but a fleeting moment.

How then, do I help my own child deal with her version of abandonment? Hers is not that someone had no choice. Heck; it seems like believe much as I would like to that I have mastered this terrain; I did not anticipate that, when I dragged myself out of the river of desertion, I left behind some casualties.  I rather believed that I had carried her well through the path, and that my love and care was a destruction enough. Perhaps, I did not carry her through it, but chose to avert her discovery of it. I realise now, that carrying her, is not enough – I need to teach her what I know. She too, needs freedom from the bondage living whilst focused on the rear view mirror. I need to help her see herself, not in the reflection what none of us can know with certainty. We do not know the reasons why people do what they do, why they leave, and why they do not chose us.  Perhaps, those responsible will, one day find enough light to shed some.  What we can do in the meantime, is to seek and move towards the light. We can recognize and enjoy the light that is good fatherhood. We can proffer gratitude for love and well-meaning fathers we encounter.

 

 

To my daughter:

I see your longing heart; it beats inside of mine.

What you long for; I have desired the longest.

The tears you cry now, I have cried many nights for you.

I fear, however that your eyes are set on the horizon

Missing the beauty of the landscape carved right in front of you

I fear, that your nose is congested so much

Missing the sweet aroma of flowers planted in your tribute.

 

You see, you my dearest, are the prettiest flower in my garden

I want to claim that it is of my doing

It would be so wrong of me, if I did.

Your father; My father – He has done it.

Whilst I discovered you, He knew you.

 

He created you in love, for love.

You are love.

You are His masterpiece.

You are his treasure.

 

You, my sweetheart, are the landscape.

Carefully molded by our Father for His pleasure.

The sun eagerly awaits, you adjust your slopes towards her warm embrace.

You are the vast ocean of love and hope.

The treasure is within you, anticipates the breaking of the trove

 

 

 

 

What's in a type

I love hydrangeas so much. I admire people who have managed to grow these majestically beautiful flowers. I have attempted to grow them myself, on several occasions. You see, growing up, getting flowers I love, was never a challenge. I'd simply grab a head or two of the drying flower, sprinkle the seeds on a flower bed, water, and voila! Seedlings would pop up in a couple of weeks. Not hydrangeas! 

These flowers humbled me! I started with what I know; having asked someone who had them growing in their garden. They assured me, the dried flower would do it. Months later, the soil had not cracked with an emerging seedling. I proceeded to buy a beautiful potted, already flowering plant and transferred it to the ground, only to sadly watch it die slowly.

I still hope to crack the code on the these magnificent flowers, so I am not giving up. I hit the internet to find out more; and to my shock and horror at first glance the reason for my lack of success struck me before I could even reach the second paragraph of the article on gardenandhome.co.za. One of the first requirements is to plant hydrangeas in the shade, away from the heat of the sun!

Lack of this basic knowledge, among others, really let to my failure! I thought this particular flower is difficult to grow, but, I was growing it under the wrong conditions. In fact, the conditions I created, out right killed it.

Come think of it, we often make the same mistake with relationships. We want the flowers that come with a well cultivated and blooming relationship, but not the work that comes with it. We don't even care to find out if we have conducive conditions to get the best out of the people we are attracted to, or the conditions to kill their spirit while we watch. The only way to find out is to ask the right questions. 

You can be attracted to the most beautiful person and really want to be with them because you believe, you'd look good together, however, have you stopped to ask, what makes them look good on their own? Are going to enhance or diminish or even kill their "beauty"? 

@ExclusivJ put together a resource for intentional talking stages. Questions to ask yourself and questions to ask a potential mate to check compatibility. Here's the link for Questions to ask to get to know someone.

I'll be happy to hear from you in the comments section or to see you on my Khomotso Maele Facebook page. Please like and follow.

Boundaries without lines.

 

This afternoon, on our drive home I had a very interesting conversation with my daughter. I have asked her for permission to share some aspects of that conversation and she is happy with that. This conversation had me going back to the thoughts on my garden. In recent months, I have not had much time to devote to my garden patch that is currently growing sweet potatoes. I am happy that something is growing there, even though it's not per my original plan. You see, I never deliberately set out to plant sweet potatoes. A friend of mine offered me a couple of already germinating roots and merely suggested that I should plant them seeing that I'm into "growing things". I didn't give it much thought. I simply got home and mindlessly dug them in. A few months later. My little patch was completely covered with the growing and thriving sweet potato plants. This now got my attention. I began to wonder how I'd know when they were ready for harvest and what that would entail. I was pleasantly surprised by the amount of sweet potato we dug up and even more so, I was blown away by the sheer size of the bulbs that came out of the ground. 

I've been contemplating the next harvest and I suspect it will be bigger than the first one. I am not a big fan of sweet potatoes. It has never really broken my heart to pay for a kilogram or 2. Spinach, tomatoes and rocket leaves however, that's another story. I cannot even describe the joy I get from simply making a turn at the back before I prepare a meal. How did we get here? My thoughtless lack of boundaries in the choice and intention of my gardening endeavors brought me here. In our conversation today, my daughter described how two things made her unhappy and enabled a toxic environment in one of her relationships. I stood and was in awe of how self aware she is, as she described her own contribution to the situation which led to a confrontation. She stated how her lack of communication of her own needs and of boundaries allowed the relationship to take the course it had taken. This caused both her and a friend pain and anxiety. She had allowed the relationship to take a specific trajectory at the expense of her emotional wellbeing, compromising her truth and authenticity with the friend. She "sowed" a different version of herself into the friendship and did not find fulfillment in that because, we can't be fulfilled in the character that is not truly ours. You see, she, like me, cultivated sweet potatoes at the expense of what she had envisioned for her life at school. 

What struck me about this nugget of wisdom is this. It may appear as if implementing boundaries is difficult and uncomfortable, however, dealing with the aftermath is much more painful. In order to reclaim my garden patch as ground for growing pride and joy in the form of spinach, green peppers and carrots; I have to put in a lot more work. The process of reclaiming the ground for my intended purpose, is not going to be fun nor easy. It's going to hurt the current and future sweet potatoes and it's going to take more effort than it did to establish the garden patch. 

My book, The Treasure Trove of Singleness deals with similar struggles of lack of boundaries in the quest to secure marriage at any cost. The Ebook is available on Google Books:The Treasure Trove of Singleness by Khomotso Maele - Books on Google Play and on Amazon on this link:The Treasure Trove of Singleness - Kindle edition by Maele, Khomotso, Muarakira, Caroline . Religion & Spirituality Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.

Failure to germinate

 

In my last blog, I spoke about my attempts at winter vegetable cultivation; which was somewhat successful. Of the number of seed variations I cultivated, the broad bean and baby spinach appear to thrive the best. I am so enthused about them and expect plentiful harvest. The cauliflower does not look identifiable at this stage. I am not even certain if it indeed is cauliflower. Time will tell. This was my first attempt at its kind of plant so I don't know what to expect. I must admit I am apprehensive about it. There are a number of pots that stand sans even a weed seedling. I think of my effort to plant the seeds in there, the amount of water, the thought of moving the pots around toward more sun and my regular inspections to check if there is life coming up. All that commitment, determination, anticipation and nothing to show for it. Can I really say that I have nothing for it, that it was a complete waste of time? You see, the empty and barren pots are not a reflection of a lack of resolve on my part. Neither do they reflect an absence of my love and passion for this particular undertaking. However, the pots with bare potting soil, are evident to my initial intention to plant vegetables, whether or not they are there. Perhaps the crops didn’t survive the harsh winter frost and or birds. This does not discount the fact that I invested a lot love and patience into this endeavor. To one, it may be a loss because it seems like I gained nothing from it, I did not get any return on my initial investment in the form of seeds, potting soils, planting pots and other items.  Similarly, in our lives we tend to focus on what does not work rather than what is, what the devil is doing rather than what God is doing. Whether it is failed relationships, an unbearable working environment, or a setback of sorts, do not focus on your unrealized expectations. Do not get lost in the maze of trying to figure out why you are not getting your way. Focus on the growing parts of you from your delay or lack of breakthrough. All of it matters, be it the seeds that germinate and the ones that don’t. Life is not just about what we achieve in it, it’s also about whom we become in that process.

Unripe for this season is not all there is to it.

At the end of April this year (2020), I decided I cultivate a selection of winter vegetables for lockdown. I normally don't plant anything in winter however, someone I follow on twitter strongly recommended that people get a lockdown garden going. Ordinarily I would have give gardening a break for the winter which I also enjoy.

Off I went to the nursery and got some seeds that included broccoli, garlic, butter beans, baby spinach and onions. I proceeded to get some compost and potting soil to plant my seeds in pots and got my winter project underway.

To my pleasant surprise, the first few weeks were considerably warm as we've grown accustomed to in recent winters. My pots of dirt became something I looked forward to tending to on a daily basis, along with my old plants. Six weeks came and some sprouts of seedlings began to break the surface of the potting soil. It's always exciting to see the beginning of something grow. I am like a child when it comes to such. I will go down on my knees and try to figure out what was in each pot by feeling them between my fingers and tasting the leaves. By this time I'd forgotten what I planted where. The seedlings would have to mature a little more for me to figure out what is what. 

Whilst I waited and anticipated to discover what I planted, to my dismay I came home one afternoon to find birds had helped themselves to my seedlings. 

I've been trying to figure out whether the lesson here is about sticking to what you know, you know what they say about own lane and all that or whether young seeds of life need to be protected. Well, I decided to go with the double pronged view of the situation, You see, I probably know more about gardening in warmer seasons than I do about winter. Furthermore, I think I failed to realise that birds have moved into my yard and how that would impact my plants. Had I known this, perhaps I would have devised means to protect my plants and tend to them a little more given the harsh winter season. 

Similarly, based on the other view on this matter brings us full cycle right back to this point; being that we need to know what is it we are trying to do in life. What is it that we need to pay attention to in order to achieve. We need to know our environment and be conscious of the changes that may or may be taking place. For example, COVID19 brought with it changes in our habits and way of life as we know it. To some it might represent winter. If that's the case, you may need to take a little extra care. You might want to protect emotions, your spirit, your body a little more. 

When winter passes, I will go back to what I know, the plants that will respond to my love and dedication by thriving. Same with you, when this season passes, you'll have a well rested you. You'll have ideas that are ripe for implementation. Perhaps an accomplishment too. If not, that's also okay. You will still have rearranged your thoughts and your beliefs and set the stage for your next move. 

Composting

 "We are all self-composting."
Author: Chuck Palahniuk

Pikitup, the municipal service in my area does not collect garden refuse. If you happen to dump it in your refuse bin, sometimes they leave the rest of your refuse. It is for this reason that whenever we get our grass cut, I would be burdened by the heaps of grass cuttings. My frustrations turned to joy when I discovered the art of composting, i.e using grassing cuttings and vegetable waste from the kitchen to create compost to fertilise the garden. Compost takes about 3 weeks to be ready for use. The process of composting got me thinking about how the soil needs the same grass and vegetables that grew from it, to be fertilised. In order to get the full benefit of the compost, it must fully decompose and loose its form and smell. Sometimes the source of compost does not even have to be from the compost heap, but from the plants themselves. Ever seen how the spinash shoots up each time you prune off the lower leaves? As people, we at times get in the way of our growth and reaching our full potential because we would rather not deal with the heaps of cuttings from our own lives. The cuttings come in the form of frustrating and difficult relationships, unfulfilling careers, past hurts and disappointments. These are guaranteed in one way on the other in the journey of life, however, they don't have to be burden. They can be a source of wisdom, strength and valuable lessons. 

 

Today, being Father's day I learned from my heap of emotions about my own fatherlessness. As such, I did not want to engage in the festivities and celebrations. I had to dig deep into my sadness and found I felt sad because when I marry, my dad will never walk me down the isle, my children will never know him, I will never be able to call him and ask for advise. I will never feel safe because he is there for me. On further reflection, I realised that my father's passing gave me an opportunity to seek wholeness and fulfillment from my relationship with God. It has made me a compassionate mom and friend. I appreciate that it has certainly made me a strong woman. My fatherlesslessness has been the greatest source of pain and emptiness but also the place I have found the best versions of me.